Who Am I?
Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, things have been pretty busy with a family wedding, lots of work, and our upcoming honeymoon a week away. We’re super excited to get away but there’s so much to do to make sure we’re ready to actually relax. Funny isn’t it? We get stressed packing and organizing and planning only just to go do nothing for a week by ocean. I can’t wait!
The other night while I was trying desperately to fall asleep, I came to the realization that I’m changing. I’m now a wife to an amazing husband and no longer “independent-do whatever I want” Dannie. Honestly, I wanted to cry because “independent-do whatever I want” Dannie is who I’ve always been and all I’ve ever known.
I remember my husband telling my father in law how I was having a hard time right before our wedding of letting go of my old apartment, changing my last name, and the fear of living with a messy boy. The ever-wise Ron told Ronnie that I was mourning my single life. He was 100% correct. I was so sad that I wasn’t going to get to come home to my bed, my favorite apartment, my couch and Bravo on the TV. It was a very odd experience because I was so excited and happy to get married and spend my life with this man, but I didn’t want my current life to go away and change. (Can you tell I don’t like change, yet?!)
So fast forward to almost 6 months of marriage and living with a messy boy isn’t so bad. I still get to watch Bravo occasionally but my bed is now in the guest room and I don’t live in my favorite apartment anymore, and yes, I did change my last name. These changes have changed who I am as a person as well. I thrive on structure, plans, routine and all of those had to be adjusted and tweaked as we go through marriage together. I come home from work before Ronnie and start making dinner.
Some days I go to the gym but I try and manage that around what errands I have to run so that I can be home at a decent time to start dinner. There are days where I want to give up and throw away our budget so we can eat out every night. I’ve had to adjust the way I speak to my husband, the jokes I make, the tone I use, the constant questioning and searching for my details in the stories he tells. I didn’t think it would be this hard or that the person I was when he fell in love with me would have to make so many adjustments.
But then I take a step back, take a deep breath, maybe eat some chocolate, and remember that we’re in this together. There are a lot of changes he’s made to be a better husband to me. He helps fold clothes, picks up things off the floor, does the dishes, fills my water bottles every morning for work. He’s even changed where he shops and his clothing style for me! He’s kinder, more patient, calmer, and thinks things through when making decisions. All of these things are a change for him.
He’s had to be intentional in his choices in how they affect me. Realizing all of this, helps me see that it’s a two way street. Not everything will be 50/50 in our relationship and I’m ok with that. As long as we equal 100 and he’s strong when I’m weak and I’m strong when he’s weak, I know we’re on the right track.
Our marriage is our new creation, centered on God. Our old lives as single Ronnie and single Dannie are gone and we have new, wonderful lives together. There are still moments (and I’m sure they’ll always be there) where I feel defeated, like I’m treading water and slowly slipping. But when I look over, there’s Ronnie with a floaty and he rescues me. Each day is new; I don’t have to be the perfect wife and change who I am completely to make intentional choices that are positive for this new marriage and life we have together.