The Dressing Room
I have a love/hate relationship with shopping that seems to lean more towards the hate side in recent months. I love a good bargain and pride myself on finding good deals at my favorite stores or brands. It's almost a competition with myself to see if I can get a better deal than the last time I was shopping or bought a similar item. This usually makes me excited to see what I can add to my closet and not pay full price on that item.
This love/hate relationship is two parts. Part one has to do with money. My husband and I have decided that part of our budget includes a monthly allowance of $100 each to do whatever we want with. You can spend it all, save it, or break it up into small purchases. Typically, he has his planned before the month even starts!
I on the other hand, know all the things I want to buy with it, window shop, browse online, and become extremely indecisive. It seems like now that I have this allowance for the month I can't spend it or justify my purchases in my head. The only thing I can think of is that I run our budget weekly and I know what we owe for our car payment and student loans. I think I have a hard time spending money on something when I know we could add that extra money to our monthly debt payments.
Here comes part two of the love/hate relationship. I'll typically gather a bunch of super cute items from the racks that I've circles three to four times to make sure I didn't miss anything and head to the dressing room. I know I won't buy all the items I'm trying on and I also know not all will fit or look flattering. But lately, it seems as if nothing looks good on. I know I'm critical of myself and how I look and I also have higher standards of quality clothing.
I'm definitely not making this process of shopping any easier on myself but it seems like every time I leave that dressing room, I hand all my items back to the lady at the front. And then it starts...the sulking and crabby mood sets in. I beat myself up about the five pounds I've gained since our wedding, the way I'm too critical of myself, the chocolate I ate after lunch at work, or the three times I skipped the gym this week. Everything that runs through my mind is negative and unhealthy. And yet, it happens over and over again. It's like I want the shiny new clothes I've picked out to somehow fix or mask the broken stuff going on inside my heart.
So, what to do now? I'm determined to let it go. To realize that I might not look like the other girls in Dallas. This one is hard for me. I've visited Dallas every summer for as long as I can remember and never felt like I fit in. Girls here seem so much prettier and shinier than where I grew up. I'm not sure how they do it but I struggle with comparing myself to them. I've also decided to cut out baking at home so the temptation of sweet treats isn't staring at me as soon as I walk into the kitchen. My husband and I are committed to being healthy and making it a lifestyle instead of a diet and that includes healthy thoughts and attitudes as well.
Which brings me to my last point, Jesus. My priorities have been seriously slacking when it comes to quiet time, devotionals, and nightly prayer. I'm not looking towards God to change my heart about my insecurities and negative thoughts. He's the one that's going to make this change.
It's clear I'm failing big time at being my own God and thinking I can just will the negative thoughts away. I know I'm a work in progress but I have to be willing to let go of the control I think I need in order for the real work to start happening.
I hope you've been encouraged by this post and know you're not alone in your insecurity. Remember, Psalm 139:14 says I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.